There are neurosis we create and the habits we make that we call home.
There must have been a reason for that level of the feeling of loss.
The “connection” we get from others varies in depth.
The deepest comes from those that we share the most intimacy with.
The ones that mirror our own selves in some way.
The feeling of heart break varies. I knew I was heartbroken over you..
but sometimes you don’t know why you even miss them.
We were so different I say..and slowly after time you forget
what the moments are
left with the residual feelings that the explosion left
behind in it’s attempt to show you love.
Then you re-enter, like nothing moved, no dust even had fallen and the day was just yesterday.
but with completely forgiven clothing.
Sometimes I wonder if we continue to run the wrongs because of the guilt we feel in thinking that we were better than that , that we could have done better than that, so then we try again.
and again we are sitting across from one another. in a brief moment of silence that is rare between us.
with the reflection of the present and a scoop into the past…
and look at each other and say…
is this real? are you real?
Magnets want to connect.
I’ve used that example in my head to myself before.
that’s what love feels like..that is what chemical love feels like.
The molecules agitate , move around, push and pull,
all the while moving closer and as the tension builds
they still move towards one another
the relief of the join.
The discomfort along the way is just furthering our self inflicting.
Our sadistic, our masochistic.
We fool ourselves.
make up the story we need to tell ourselves
to give permission to dip our toes in.
We create a line, we do not cross.
Now it's time.
We cross over.
Let us not destroy one another this time.
Let us fall deep but not so deep we cannot see
our own hands and toes.
We pray for this, we look for it in the faces of everyone we meet.
Trying to recognize one another in them.
But we set ourselves up for disappointment,
because no one could ever be me
and no one will ever be you.
Are we giving ourselves fuel
for a life long engine of sour meets sweet?
You leave and I say goodbye.
You leave awkwardly and I say goodbye.
I say goodbye and it’s okay to watch you go.
It’s okay to want you to stay.
And it’s okay after you leave,
even though after you leave
I am left writing about the whole experience as if you pressed rewind and I am here ,
in front of a screen pressing pause after each camera shift.
writing down every movement,
describing every emotion
I felt and received from you.
The holy rollers come out to play tonight,
gliding along the radiation of our ignition.
they come ,
attracted to the light we make.
in the shadows we build as time goes on.
The Holy rollers are here to stay,
they heard the song echoed
made by the pale faced winged serpent who wove
the markings into place,
tracing a path from me to you.
the bait bitten,